T-Shirt Noticed Underneath Dress Shirt

Thursday, August 16, 2012


Roses & Roadapples

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Roadapples to the guy right before me in the drive-thru line at Hardee's last Monday morning. It don't take seven minutes to place a breakfast order, take yourself a lap around the lot if you need a second to think it over, my God.

Roadapples to Jerry Stabler for comin' around the store the other day to show off the hundred bucks he won at some casino on the river up in the city. We don't need to see that, Jerry, we ain't got any extra time to be runnin' around playing slots 'cause we're down here actually workin' for a living -- trading carbon credits ain't a career, you dumbass!

Roses to those weird nudie shows on HBO. Whenever I'm traveling I make sure to stay in a motel with free HBO, seems like one a those things are always on when I'm there.

Roadapples to Juan Pablo Montoya for runnin' into the back of that dryer truck at the Daytona 500. Hell, if I could pick something to slam into while zoomin' around like that, a goddamn jet engine would be about last on my list.

Roses to those stretchy sticky hands you used to get from the toy dispensers at the front of the grocery store. Sure, they'd get hair and dust stuck to 'em no more than ten minutes after you got 'em outta that plastic capsule, but hell if they weren't fun. Besides, they were only a quarter so you could just get a handful at a time, that'd last you 'bout a week.

Roses to the girls high school cross country team for takin' second place in the district this year. They'd have taken first if they hadn't a let the Native American school compete -- they run barefoot and for some reason that makes 'em fast as all hell. I guess it ain't against any rules or anything, but that just don't seem right to me.

Roadapples to the Houston Astros stadium crew. A bunch of us was sittin' around watchin' Wednesday Night Baseball on ESPN and they showed a shot of the city just before the game started. We all said to eachother, "well hell, looks like it's gonna rain, better close your roof, boys!" Sure enough, the game was delayed for ten minutes in the second inning while some guy had to get up off his ass and flip the switch to close the roof. Maybe they oughtta hire someone new to run that deal -- hell, I'd do it for a million bucks.

Andrew Breitbart Quick to Admonish Hell as 'Morally Depraved Bastion of Liberalism'

Friday, March 2, 2012

LAKE OF FIRE, HELL -- After less than 24 hours inside the gates of Hell, former Earthly visage and conservative commentator Andrew Breitbart is already admonishing his eternal fiery resting place as 'a morally depraved bastion of liberalism'. "I'm surrounded by freaks, unending harassment, rape -- seems more like your average Occupy Wall Street protest than it does the underworld," Breitbart said, raising his voice to be heard over the agonizing screams of tormented souls on a nearby torture rack. "I can only imagine a similar fate for America if Obama is somehow elected to a second term." Amid pools of boiling blood and unquenchable fire, Breitbart went on to say that so far in his time inhabiting the netherworld he was surprised by the sheer indignation with which the Prince of Darkness desecrates the conservative values for which Breitbart fought so valiantly, likening Satan's liberal agenda to 'a typical third-rate MSNBC smear campaign'.

Improv Troupe Goes Before Congress Seeking Better Audience Suggestions

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Houston, Texas-based improvisational comedy troupe Assaulted Nuts went before Congress on Thursday, asking for legislation to improve the poor, uninspired suggestions they say they're given each week by their Buffalo Wild Wings audience. "I'll come out to ask for a suggestion of a location that can fit on the stage, but after the usual ten seconds of dead silence, 'that corner of the bar where you're standing' is the most common suggestion we get," group member Marc Biddle told the committee in a loud, contrived tone of voice without the use of the provided congressional floor microphone. "I know we only have fifteen minutes to perform while they've muted the televisions during halftime, but just once we'd like to do a scene in the employee cafeteria on the Death Star and Darth Vader is serving lunch with a hairnet over his mask, can you even imagine?!" When asked exactly how Congress could think of a creative solution, the comedy troupe jumped up and encouraged committee members to join them in walking around and exploring their surrounding space in the congressional chamber, realizing they are now in a large, mysterious warehouse filled with hundreds of boxes and when 'freeze' is called everyone in the room stops and mimes opening one of those boxes and finds an object inside, then without thinking instantly gives the object a name, texture, or another defining quality and then mimes putting the object back into the box.

Horoscope: February 20-26

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Aries    Mar 21 - Apr 19 
You'll be called upon by a good friend who desperately needs advice this week, and if you know what's good for the city of Indianapolis and a certain Stanford quarterback, you'll convince your friend to just retire gracefully.

Taurus    Apr 20 - May 20
A family mystery will finally be put to rest after it's learned that your long-lost mother's disappearance had less to do with her career as an Amelia Earhart impersonator than her complete and total lack of piloting skills.

Gemini    May 21 - Jun 21
A secret hobby you've had for years will be threatened this week after you discover someone has already created a website that documents the often ambiguous ethnicities of all your local news anchorpersons.

Cancer    Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll soon question the entire Christian belief system after you come to the realization that, in all actuality, characters from the Bible times had more of a resemblance to the Kardashians than they did to you.

Leo    Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars didn't get around to making your celestial prediction this week, so how's about you don't go anywhere or talk to anyone for a bit, just to be safe, then we'll catch up with you next Monday.

Virgo    Aug 23 - Jul 22
For the first time in your life one of your wishes will be fulfilled, albeit partially, when a Chili's Too is built in your neighborhood.

Libra    Sep 23 - Oct 23
A question that has weighed heavy on your conscience for years will finally be answered when you get a reply letter from your local cable service provider declaring they have no intentions of ever carrying the SEGA Channel again.

Scorpio    Oct 24 - Nov 21
Fate will come calling this week between the hours of 8am and 12pm. Please make sure that someone 18 years or older is there at the start of, and for the duration of, the entirety of the visit. If you would like to reschedule this appointment, please call 1-800-266-2278.

Sagittarius    Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your name will briefly enter the national discourse when it's found out your great-grandfather was briefly hospitalized in the late 1890s with the first recorded case of Linsanity.

Capricorn    Dec 22 - Jan 19
We can't tell you when, nor can we tell you where, but in the near future you will be pelted by hundreds and hundreds of tiny, hard Tootsie Rolls by vengeful Knights of Columbus members.

Aquarius    Jan 20 - Feb 18
Prepare to be disappointed when you receive the results of your school science fair this week. It should come as no surprise, however, considering your project on earthquakes was just a portable DVD player showing clips from the film Tremors.

Pisces    Feb 19 - Mar 20
Be warned, for a haunting moment from your past will soon return with veracity when it's found out through old friends that in high school you used to mispronounce Tommy Hilfiger, "Tommy Hilfinger".