KYLE SNYDER
LOCAL REPORTER

Roadapples to
the guy right before me in the drive-thru line at
Hardee's last Monday morning. It don't take seven minutes to place a breakfast order, take yourself a lap around the lot if you need a second to think it over, my God.

Roadapples to
Jerry Stabler for comin' around the store the other day to show off the
hundred bucks he won at some
casino on the river up in the
city. We don't need to see that, Jerry, we ain't got any extra time to be runnin' around playing
slots 'cause we're down here actually workin' for a living --
trading carbon credits ain't a career, you dumbass!

Roses to those
weird nudie shows on
HBO. Whenever I'm traveling I make sure to stay in a
motel with free HBO, seems like one a those things are always on when I'm there.

Roadapples to
Juan Pablo Montoya for runnin' into the back of that
dryer truck at the
Daytona 500. Hell, if I could pick something to slam into while zoomin' around like that, a goddamn
jet engine would be about last on my list.

Roses to those
stretchy sticky hands you used to get from the toy dispensers at the front of the
grocery store. Sure, they'd get hair and dust stuck to 'em no more than ten minutes after you got 'em outta that
plastic capsule, but hell if they weren't fun. Besides, they were only a quarter so you could just get a handful at a time, that'd last you 'bout a week.

Roses to the
girls high school cross country team for takin' second place in
the district this year. They'd have taken first if they hadn't a let the
Native American school compete -- they
run barefoot and for some reason that makes 'em fast as all hell. I guess it ain't against any rules or anything, but that just don't seem right to me.

Roadapples to the
Houston Astros stadium crew.
A bunch of us was sittin' around watchin'
Wednesday Night Baseball on ESPN and they showed a shot of
the city just before the game started. We all said to eachother, "well hell, looks like it's gonna rain, better close your roof, boys!" Sure enough, the game was delayed for ten minutes in the second inning while
some guy had to get up off his ass and
flip the switch to
close the roof. Maybe they oughtta
hire someone new to run
that deal -- hell, I'd do it for a
million bucks.