Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll be called upon by a good friend who desperately needs advice this week, and if you know what's good for the city of Indianapolis and a certain Stanford quarterback, you'll convince your friend to just retire gracefully.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A family mystery will finally be put to rest after it's learned that your long-lost mother's disappearance had less to do with her career as an Amelia Earhart impersonator than her complete and total lack of piloting skills. 
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A secret hobby you've had for years will be threatened this week after you discover someone has already created a website that documents the often ambiguous ethnicities of all your local news anchorpersons.
You'll soon question the entire Christian belief system after you come to the realization that, in all actuality, characters from the Bible times had more of a resemblance to the Kardashians than they did to you.
The stars didn't get around to making your celestial prediction this week, so how's about you don't go anywhere or talk to anyone for a bit, just to be safe, then we'll catch up with you next Monday.
For the first time in your life one of your wishes will be fulfilled, albeit partially, when a Chili's Too is built in your neighborhood.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A question that has weighed heavy on your conscience for years will finally be answered when you get a reply letter from your local cable service provider declaring they have no intentions of ever carrying the SEGA Channel again. 
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Fate will come calling this week between the hours of 8am and 12pm. Please make sure that someone 18 years or older is there at the start of, and for the duration of, the entirety of the visit. If you would like to reschedule this appointment, please call 1-800-266-2278.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your name will briefly enter the national discourse when it's found out your great-grandfather was briefly hospitalized in the late 1890s with the first recorded case of Linsanity.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
We can't tell you when, nor can we tell you where, but in the near future you will be pelted by hundreds and hundreds of tiny, hard Tootsie Rolls by vengeful Knights of Columbus members. 
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Prepare to be disappointed when you receive the results of your school science fair this week. It should come as no surprise, however, considering your project on earthquakes was just a portable DVD player showing clips from the film Tremors.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
Be warned, for a haunting moment from your past will soon return with veracity when it's found out through old friends that in high school you used to mispronounce Tommy Hilfiger, "Tommy Hilfinger".