Today my boyfriend left for a business trip to Australia and he won't be back for two months. During this time I will not be able to see him and I'll rarely get to talk to him. He's the only guy I've ever loved, and I'm the only girl he's ever loved, so his leaving is extremely hard on both of us. Any tips on coping?
-- Lonely In Lansing
Dear Lonely,
Come on everybody, I say now let's play a game. I betcha I can make a rhyme out of anybody's name. The first letter of the name, I treat it like it wasn't there. But a 'B' or an 'F' or an 'M' will appear. And then I say "bo", add a 'B', then I say the name, then "Bonana fanna" and a "fo". And then I say the name again with an 'F' very plain and a "fee fy" and a "mo". And then I say the name again with an 'M' this time and there isn't any name that I can't rhyme!
Arnold, Arnold bo Barnold, bonana fanna fo Farnold, fee fy mo Marnold, Arnold!
Dear 1960s Novelty R&B Singer,
I recently began working a great job in an office I love and with coworkers that are great... except for one. My cubicle mate is constantly on the phone, surfing the internet, and never appears to be doing any work. Should I speak up to our boss and risk a work friendship, or should I just worry about my own job?
-- Perturbed In Poughkeepsie
Dear Perturbed,
Now if the first two letters are ever the same, I drop them both and say the name like; Bob, Bob drop the 'B's' "Bo ob". For Fred, Fred drop the 'F's' "Fo red". For Mary, Mary drop the 'M's' "Mo ary". That's the only rule that is contrary.
Okay? Now say "Bo" -- Bo! Now Tony with a 'B' -- Bony! Then "Bonana fanna fo" -- Bonana fanna fo! Then you say the name again with an 'F' very plain -- Fony! Then a "fee fy and a mo" -- fee fy and a mo! Then you say the name again with an 'M' this time -- Mony! And there isn't any name that you can't rhyme!
Dear 1960s Novelty R&B Singer,
Because of the current economy, I'm having trouble finding work and am considering going back to school to earn another degree. I'm thirty-six years old, married, and we have two kids. My wife thinks I should just keep looking, but I'm convinced going back to school will help in the long run. What should I do?
-- Conflicted In Columbus
Dear Conflicted,
Clap clap! Clap your hands and prepare to pat -- take your right arm, pat your partner's right palm with your right palm. Take your hand back and clap. Take your right arm, cross your right arm with your left arm, pat your partner's left palm with your left palm. Take your hand back and clap. Take your right arm, cross your left arm, pat your partner's right palm with your right palm. Now back with a clap! Take the pats of your palms and slap your thighs, and watch the fun materialize as you sing this little song.
Dear 1960s Novelty R&B Singer,
My absolute favorite color is red and I insist on having red items all over my house, which I share with my roommate. After recently buying a bright red couch for the living room, my roommate declared that she hates red and doesn't like how I've decorated the house. I understand she also has to live in this house, but I think the house looks wonderful. Should I get a new couch, or a new roommate?
-- Decorating In Decatur
Dear Decorating,
Now hold your hand at ninety degrees and keep it there to clap with ease. Push your hand out and clap. Take your upper torso, stand straight a little more so, you've now greatly reduced the chance of injury while also increasing clap airflow. Clap clap! Now take your right arm, cross your partner's left arm, pat your partner's hand for them if they just can't, but they can, if they won't then, you've got to use your own hands. Now back with a clap! Always with a clap! Never go more than, ten seconds without an, open hand to touch hands, always be clapping hands. Clap clap!
Shirley Ellis is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A 1960s Novelty R&B Singer, appears in more than 350 newspapers nationwide.