Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your week will take a stunning turn when your manager informs you that you'll become the first server ever to be successfully passed through waivers and demoted from a Chili's to a Chili's Too.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll be the talk of the entire office this week after your name becomes a trending topic on Twitter thanks to the hashtag #fartedinthebreakroom.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A situation will arise this week which requires you to speak your mind, make a decision, or to clearly voice your opinion on an issue. Keep in mind, however, that doing so may severely affect the chances you had of going out with Julie Chen for drinks after the post-eviction ceremony interview.
Much to your dismay this week Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales will make a personal appeal to have historical records cite you as the primary cause for tension on the set of the late 1980s television comedy Alf.
Though Ryan Seacrest is partially to blame for asking you, the inspiration for the movie about a guy who murdered people and wore their skin, you also could have been the more mature person and not answered with such disturbing specificity who you were wearing.
You'll suddenly find yourself inundated with mockery and derision from friends, family, and your internet service provider when it's discovered this week that you illegally downloaded multiple DVD copies of the 1993 action comedy 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars would like to apologize for last week's recommendation to disclose a long-kept secret to a loved one. By way of restitution, please accept this coupon for $30 off a comfortable nights stay at any of our 326 conveniently located Wyndham Hotel Group locations.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Prepare yourself to be on the local news this week when a long lost shipment of Planters P.B. Crisps are found buried inside dozens of crates beneath your backyard.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A special item you have been wanting for a long time is within your reach this week. If you can find that specially marked can of Folgers Coffee and bring it back to us in 30 seconds or less, we'll add $50 to your final Supermarket Sweep total.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You're self-employed and love to work at nothing all day. You be takin' care of business, every day and in every way. However, you be takin' care of business that is all yours this week, so don't be caught off guard if you find yourself working overtime.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You may be surprised when someone requests you for a special job this week, but you shouldn't -- thanks to your years of computer simulation training, you're the one in the office who's got the foremost knowledge of The Oregon Trail.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
You and your family will have a busy week ahead when you receive a message from on high to begin watching all the shows you'd previously recorded so that your DVR may be clear in anticipation of the coming Rapture, this Sunday at 8:30 PM ET / 7:30 PM CT.