Ten-Year-Old Boy Inherits Ownership of Kansas City Royals

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

KANSAS CITY, MO -- The owner of the Kansas City Royals died suddenly on Wednesday, defaulting ownership of the team, as stated clearly in the will, to his ten-year-old grandson Tommy Hawpe. Currently a 4th grader at Prairie View Elementary School in Lee's Summit, Tommy has seen every Royals game played since he was six and said his favorite subject in school is math. "I'm tired of everyone in school laughing at the Royals and how bad they are," said the precocious Tommy. "So I'm going to build a better team; full of players who understand what a walk can do for your OBP and know what it means to have an OPS of .850 or more."

Despite the sudden loss of their owner, the Royals players seem to be enamored already with the youthful exuberance and innocence Tommy brings to the organization. "He's just going to go crazy when he sees that gigantic box of Big League Chew we keep in the dugout," said shortstop Yuniesky Betancourt. "Maybe he'll sign Hannah Montana to play third base! What a cool little guy." Right fielder Jose Guillen is also excited about the new owner. "I'm sure he's really looking forward to getting all his favorite players' autographs," said Guillen. "Today he had me and Yuniesky sign this piece of paper that he had made out to look like a conditional release form -- he's adorable."

At a press conference scheduled to discuss the changes to the Kansas City Royals, new owner Tommy sat in front of the local press, dressed in his cute little suit, and didn't even get scared once. "Yuniesky and Jose are no longer with the Royals, and let their release send a message to the other players still on this team -- this team stanks and you buttfaces need to understand the value of ratings like WAR and a pitcher's K/BB percentage," Tommy said into the array of microphones, just like a big boy. "And maybe I will sign Hannah Montana -- I bet her or any other Disney star could field a better rating than Yuni's -11.5 UZR. And as for Guillen, a giant booger in right field would be better than him -- gross!"