Time Traveling Thomas Jefferson Amazed at Current Political Climate, Light Bulb

Monday, March 1, 2010

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- At a midday press conference on the capitol steps, time machine at his side, the third president of the United States, founding father, and now time traveler Thomas Jefferson expressed his amazement at our country's current political system and various modern inventions. "I have spent but mere hours in your time, and from what I have been told my dear country has made great strides in it's ability to govern," said Jefferson, dressed in his traditional leather breeches and coachman's coat. "I have also been told that it is both legal and acceptable within society for women to wear what I'm told is a tubed top, to which I vigorously reply 'well done'." While agreeing with several political points from both Democratic and Republican leaders, all on hand to witness the historic press conference, the time traveling 'Sage of Monticello' also offered his criticism of the country's anti-gun laws and our failure to adequately separate church and state, stopping every so often to question what it was the reporters were holding that he was speaking into, and whether or not the television cameramen were shouldering some type of telescope.

Jefferson's sudden appearance, while also bending the rules of space and time, might possibly answer those from various political groups and fringe parties who have been rhetorically asking for years what our founding fathers would think of the work being done in Washington, D.C. if they were here today. "While I'm told this country has certainly made great strides, there is yet much you haven't strode, and of this I have no doubt," continued Jefferson, amidst a throng of photographers and flash bulbs. "I can also say I have no doubt that it wasn't the devil himself who created this miniature sun you call the lighted bulb."

Dismissing questions about his construction of a time traveling machine and his various time travels, Jefferson continued on in a torrid denouncement of the nation's strict dependence and interpretation of the constitution. "Did I not say no society can make a perpetual constitution or even a perpetual law? Did your current government not heed my call?," Jefferson said. "Did I not just see an enclosed and self-propelled chariot ride by? What, pray tell, is up with that?" Jefferson then declined any further comments, abruptly running frightened down the capitol steps away from reporters after a news helicopter flew overhead.