Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will come to fully understand the concept behind fantasy football this week after your team starts the season 0-5, and why exactly it was a naive choice on your part to draft the entire roster of the 1972 Miami Dolphins.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your daily habit of calling every little thing a 'blessing in disguise' will for once actually make a little more sense come October 31st.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your head will literally explode after simultaneously learning about the discontinuation of Nilla Wafers and the cancellation of HGTV's First-Time Homebuyers hour.
While your patients often find it funny when you answer their medical concerns with the phrase "all you need is love", right now the convulsing man in front of you is in desperate need of first aid.
Seeing as how you didn't audition, you'll be just as surprised as everyone else this week after you're cast in your local dinner theater's production of the Charles Lindbergh musical 'I Want My Baby Back, Baby Back, Baby Back'.
The stars always hate to be the bearers of bad news, but we were a bit off with your last reading -- that funny feeling you've had in your stomach for weeks isn't love, it's actually cholera. Sorry!
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your theory will prove true this week after Dan Marino stops in your store to purchase an item and attempts to pay, not with a credit card or cash, but an autographed Dan Marino football.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While your entire office has always loved the enormous sense of pride you have for your local professional football team, your boss won't necessarily appreciate you taking a "bye" from work this week.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A great discovery is in your immediate future when you encounter a hidden panel in your kitchen pantry hiding dusty boxes of Lifesaver Holes, Doritos 3D's, and Crystal Pepsi.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Maybe, just maybe you'll be amazed by Paul McCartney this week.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your face will be panned by critics this week after your photo is featured in the new tell-all film about HOTorNOT.com.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
Your large collection of Coca-Cola memorabilia is indeed quite impressive, but your house guests were asking about the location of the coat room.