Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will soon come to terms with your impending deportation once you realize that you aren't being gifted the X-Men-like ability to transport yourself from one location to another.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
With shorts weather nearing an end, you'd better find something else besides your chiseled calves to help you stand out, or you just might find yourself empty handed at the conclusion of tonight's rose ceremony.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your name will briefly gain musical recognition this week after Girl Talk DJ Gregg Gillis remixes one of your work presentations with the Crash Test Dummies song "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm".
You'll make several new friends this week after word gets out that you're the person who's always answering their phone by saying, "Whoop, here it is".
Your work resume will take a hit this week when Buffalo Wild Wings retroactively decides to disavow any record of your previous employment, citing your mild and un-zesty demeanor when dealing with customers.
One of your relationships will ascend to the next level when your desire to play the trombone unencumbered by clothing will coincide with your friend or partner's recent enrollment in a nude figure drawing class.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Although you at first thought of it as merely a novelty, you'll really come to appreciate your new forest green colored toilet after an especially tumultuous visit to Chili's.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While on the Universal Studios tour, you'll find out the hard way that the DeLorian is just a prop car and you most definitely and unequivocally need roads where you are going.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Soon you will come to better understand the term "big man on campus", as Manute Bol's grandson pummels the definition into you after fourth period.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll be thrust into a pennant race this week after you're mistakenly claimed on waivers by the Boston Red Sox, leaving outfielder Johnny Damon to begrudgingly cover your shifts at The Limited, Too.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Although your mother always told you that if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all, the entire courtroom would really appreciate it if you'd respond to the judge's question.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
They say that breaking up is hard to do, but it will be even harder for you this week after you lose the ability to speak coherent English, do-do-do down doobie doo-down-down. Com-a, com-a down doobie doo-down-down.