Grocery Store Shopping Tips

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Shopping for groceries can often be a bothersome and hectic experience. Here are some tips that might make your grocery store experience just a little easier:
  • Make sure to always start your shopping trip in the hot dog aisle, that way you can get the wiener jokes out of the way first and then start focusing on all the other items on your list.

  • If you're a male who's over 5'8" tall, it's apparently your goddamn job to follow around all the old ladies in the store and constantly ask if they need you to grab something for them off the top shelf.

  • When reaching for an item on the shelf, never take the item that's directly in front as those are actually hollow boxes filled with tissue paper and are put there by the grocery store as a joke.

  • Why don't they sell Hi-C Ecto Cooler anymore? And whatever happened to
    Planters Cheez Balls? Man, those were awesome.

  • If you're really serious about saving the earth and living a green lifestyle, then bringing your own reusable canvas grocery bags to the store will completely and totally accomplish that, Captain Planet.

  • Don't ask me why, but for some reason it's the retards who always bag your groceries the quickest and most efficiently.

  • While stuck in a grocery store that's under attack from giant, large-tentacled monsters hiding in a mysterious and dense mist, look out for the religious lady inside the store. Yeah, you'd think you would want to watch out for the monsters, but you're wrong -- you're gonna want to keep an eye on that religious lady.

  • It doesn't matter if the Coke is on sale, Jesse, we don't need more pop.

  • Whole Foods and Trader Joe's are great places for liberal arts-schooled hipster assholes to buy a twelve dollar jar of peanut butter that tastes like someone took a dump in a jar and then sold it for twelve dollars to a bunch of messenger bag-toting hipster faggots.