Stupid Computer Acting All Retarded

SAN BERNARDINO, CA -- Despite all his attempts to get it to perform even the simplest of tasks, local resident Bob Sippio's dumb computer kept acting all retarded Tuesday evening. The computer, an HP Pavillion purchased last year by Sippio for $785, is a worthless piece of junk and, despite its powerful 64-bit performance with 6 gigabytes of DDR3 system memory, couldn't even out-think his five-year-old daughter Olivia. "I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing here, if only this damned piece of crap would cooperate," Sippio said of his computer, an advanced programmable machine that relies on the directions it receives from its human operator. "It's this gay thing that has no idea what the hell it's doing." Sippio, irate after the very complex, homosexual device downloaded yet another virus through the file-sharing program Limewire, repeatedly pressed the power button on top of the world's worst invention in an effort to restart the machine that was most likely built by some mongoloid.