Now that July is upon us, summer in Chicago is getting into full swing. Here are some tips to help make your summer in the city fun and memorable:
- Guided Segway tours are a great way to learn about the city's historic landmarks while looking like a total retard.
- While a Slip’N Slide® is a great activity for kids on a hot summer's day, senior citizens may find that descending an ordinary set of stairs can be just as harrowing and unpredictable.
- When walking in Old Town near the famous Second City Theatre, be aware that it's possible you may encounter a Belushi at any time. If a Belushi approaches you try to remain calm, do not run, and make yourself look as large as possible. Once it realizes you aren't casting for a new television pilot, the Belushi will typically lose interest and move on.
- If you like large groups of sweaty people, classic rock cover bands, and wide arrays of diverse ethnic food, then you should go to one of the hundreds of festivals the city of Chicago holds each summer. If you don't like these things then Jesus Christ, Jesse, you better never step foot outside your apartment because those goddamn festivals are apparently everywhere.
- Have you ever sweated outside during a cooling summer rain shower? No? Oh man, you should come to Chicago.
- Whether you are out in the hot sun, throwing a backyard bash, or just in the mood for a change of pace, quench your thirst with something fresh, something new, something different. One taste and you'll find the summer state of mind. (This tip brought to you by Bud Light Lime)
- When walking in Wrigleyville near the historic Wrigley Field, be aware that it's possible you may encounter an Alfonso Soriano at any time. If an Alfonso Soriano approaches you try to remain calm, do not run, and make yourself look as large as possible. Once it realizes you aren't a pitch that's three feet outside the strike zone, the Alfonso Soriano will typically lose interest and move on.
- The southern end of Hollywood Beach is the city's premier gay beach, while the northern end is typically enjoyed by families with children. If you're confused as to which part of the beach you're on, just remember this helpful rhyme -- If moms and dads are overweight, truth be told your beach is straight. If dudes are tan and kept in shape, isn't everyone here on the gay beach really friendly?
- Oh, just do whatever the hell it was you did last summer. And if you can't remember what you did, just ask Freddie Prinze Jr. or Jennifer Love Hewitt, I bet they know.
