Scientists Say HGTV's Primetime Schedule Causing Extreme Inactivity In Women

Thursday, March 11, 2010

TEMPE, AZ -- In a new scientific study published this week, Scientists claim the Home and Garden Television network’s home buying lineup, airing every weekday from 6pm to 10pm EST with day-long marathons on weekends, is causing women all across the country to experience extreme laziness and night-long bouts of inactivity. Since the programming block began airing on HGTV in May of 2009, ratings have increased among all key female demographics thanks to shows like My First Place and House Hunters, while productivity among women has dropped dramatically, according to scientists conducting the study at the Arizona State University Exertion Laboratory. "Ugh, I feel like I've done nothing all day but sit here and watch this marathon of Property Virgins," said 32-year-old Jessica Bannister, reaching for another bag of month-old Valentine's Day candy. "Is it okay if I don't make dinner tonight? You can just order whatever you want after you get me another glass of wine... do you still love me?"

The study is most concerning because it surmises all women can and will be affected, unless they don't get cable or have no interest in seeing lushly landscaped yards, scenic world locations, gorgeous interior decorating, or engaging vicariously in the emotional experience of finding and purchasing a new home. "I got home at 5:30, checked the mail, got a snack, changed into my yoga pants, and now my lazy bones have been on this couch all night," said 28-year-old Kaitlyn Hawpe, her face then lighting up as House Hunters International returned after a yogurt commercial. "I'll get up if the next episode isn't -- oh my God, the next one is in Italy! Can you get me another glass of wine? Ugh, I'm such a blob, aren't I?" Scientists say the time when women are most at risk is during the “First-Time Home Buyers Hour,” which airs Monday-Friday from 8-9 pm EST. While the study didn't lay out a specific plan to combat this alarming trend, it encouraged any nearby men to steal the remote and change the channel to the Spike network, where there's probably a cool James Bond movie marathon going on.